Politican unable to control metal with mind

Tuesday, September 29

At a press conference in the Regan room of the capital building Representative Spencer Bachus (R-Al) was unable to take control of the steel pipe laying before him and shape the pipe to resemble a bald eagle, something that the Representative claimed on his twitter was a new power he had acquired after months of work with psychokinesis expert Cliff Spoon. Rep. Bachus commented that he was “low on vitamins A and K” and should have “not been up all night working on congressional stuff”. When asked to specify “congressional stuff” Bachus declined to comment. For one hour and a half reporters and interested on-lookers watched Bachus stair at the steel pipe laying before him. Such a strain was put on the Representative that several times Bachus would let out a small fart, which he would try to cover with a cough. The fart was reported to be without any order. At one point the pipe did seem to move, but it was pointed out that the Representative had kicked one of the legs of the table the pipe was sitting on.

For months Bachus has been under the study of world renowned expert on psychokinesis Cliff Spoon, spending up to five hours a day with Spoon practicing mental exercises in a small shed on Bachus’s property in Alabama. The specifics of those exercises are kept secret, though Bachus claims the exercises are “bad-ass”. Spoon has publicly stated that he is not “attempting to make a super-race of god like individuals to enslave the rest of the human race” and that any claims of such manipulation and totalitarianism are “nearly false”. When asked afterward why Bachus was unable to preform the eagle bend, Spoon said “There is no steel pipe, that is why Bachus failed because he thought there was a steel pipe. He needed to bend, not the pipe. That is the truth of the matter”. When asked if Spoon knew he was more or less ripping off The Matrix Spoon threw explosives on the ground and in a smokey haze disappeared before the smoke cleared.

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  1. Rep Bacchus
    Posted September 30, 2009 at 11:00 | Permalink

    Mr. Schmidt, I must categorically refute the outlandish accusations you associate with me, especially when my activities are in the strictest sense part of furthering the advancement of the metaphysical state of humanity (which I’ll admit is way more fun than “congressional stuff”). And you have to admit, that disappearing smoke bit is David Copperfield worthy (well, maybe not in Vegas, but we’re talking Alabama here). But I digress…please cease and desist further references to my activities- congressional or otherwise- or I may have to take that aforementioned steel pipe to you and put it where the sun don’t shine. The Honorable Rep. Bacchus

  2. A.D. Vocate
    Posted September 30, 2009 at 14:22 | Permalink

    Mr. Schmidt:
    I am an attorney representing Representative Spencer Bachus. Our Internet Alerts System has discovered your “blog” regarding Mr. Bachus. You are herewith directed to cease and desist from all further slanderous commentary regarding Mr. Bachus.
    Giving you the benefit of the doubt, it appears you were trying to be “funny.” However, the lack of humor in your remarks is only surpassed by you inability to spell.
    Sir, you have been warned.

    A.D. Vocate
    Vocate and Meanit, LLP
    1776 Independence Avenue
    Philadelphia, PA