Bubonic Plague – Our Real Threat

In the 1400s the black death swept through Europe leaving a wake of dead in its path. In modern days people think that it is gone. But that is far from the truth. A lot of people are claiming that the deaths are due to swine flu or such, but our Cleverpork Central scientists have determined that the real threat is bubonic plague. This is our guide to how to survive the plague.


I Don’t Wanna Catch THAT Bug!

Prevention Tip 1: Don’t hang out with rats.

Now I know that you’re hoping that radiation will turn one of them into your kung-fu master, but really probably wont work out that way. Really radiation just kills things. Or causes cancer. You don’t want that either. Trust me.

Prevention Tip 2: Kill any bug that comes near you BEFORE it bites.

Fleas are the primary transport from animals to humans, so if you see a bug traveling in your vicinity just kill it and figure out what it was later. It’s in your best interest. Bugs also carry malaria and a variety of other horrible diseases that you don’t really want. They can also be really annoying. I mean, some flies just buzz around and wont leave you alone.

Prevention Tip 3: Don’t hang out with anyone who has a cough.

Well really it is a cough and swollen lymph nodes and possibly boils too. But Pneumonic Plague is another stage of the plague that can be passed human to human through the air. Bad stuff man.

Oh Noes! I Caught the Plague!

Say you follow all those and you still get it! well shit, you obviously didn’t follow all of those, but anyway, what can you do to save yourself from imminent death?

Survival Tip 1: Rest and lots of fluids.

It works for the flu and pretty much everything else right? it ought to work for this. You can also “sweat it out” by working out, but do you really want to push a bunch of harmful bacteria out of your sweat glands? I don’t.

Survival Tip 2: Leeches.

It worked in the middle ages right? That’s when the plague was still the hip disease to catch. Obviously recreating the health trends of the time is the best way to cure a disease.

Survival Tip 3: Spread it to as many people as possible.

Everyone knows that how bacterial infections work is that if you spread it then you have less of it. It is simple conservation of matter. Therefore, if you get rid of a lot of it by infecting others, then you will be more likely to survive.

Survival Tip 4: If all else fails see a doctor.

It’s not necessary in the beginning, You only have about a week to live. The above options might even be what the doctor recommends, so just get those out of the way and if nothing else works see a doctor. Maybe there are some new experimental drugs that can fight the plague. I heard something about an antibiotic but that sounds scary and like it would kill you too, so be careful of that.

Back to the Healthy World!

Once you’re healthy again, it is important to be careful about how you present your last week to everyone else. Not everyone will understand.

Returning Tip 1: Invest in some make up.

You might have some very large scars from your boils and swollen nodes. Some of those may even remain after you’re healthy. Investing in some good make up can help hide that from the outside world who doesn’t understand that the plague is more common then they think.

Returning Tip 2: Call it swine flu.

It’ll just be easier if you say you had a bad case of swine flu. In this day and age, no one actually has any idea what the symptoms of swine flu are. Just be confident and politely inform them that swine flu sometimes DOES cause boils. You can also call it Norovirus.

Returning Tip 3: Consider becoming a hermit.

If people can’t accept how awesome it is that you fought your way through the plague then you really don’t want to hang out with those people anyway. Consider buying a small shack on the edge of some castle grounds and spending the rest of your life scaring away bothersome children who are trespassing.


With these tips in mind, it should be easy to make your way through a plague ridden world.

One last tip: Remember, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. You will never get as strong as you do after the Bubonic Plague.

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