Giant Squids, Now more Dangerous than Ever

Osaka, Japan

Japanese scientists researching kelp in the waters of the Pacific Ocean survived an attack from a giant lazer squid, sustaining major damage to the crews deep sea science floaty-down machine from the squids ‘beak lazers’. If not for the quick maneuvering of Dr. Akiko Toyota, as well as the on board ‘white-out’ lazers, the scientists would have not survived the attack.

Squids and Lazers

Squids and Lasers

Once thought to be reclusive animals, the attack on the Japanese scientists marks the fifteenth giant lazer squid attack to take place in the last six months. This sudden increase in frequency of attacks has lead many in Japan and in countries around the Pacific to plead with their governments to declare war on the lazer squids. Hitomi Nintendo, a local Osakan fishermen and frequent traveler of ‘the ink blot’ (the portion of the Pacific that is the habitat of the giant lazer squids), is the head of Permanent Extinction Now In-terms of Squids, “PENIS is a group on the rise. Our message is perfectly straight and not bent to one side of the issue or the other, we want the nation of Japan to declare war on these murderous squids and eradicate them from the earth. To long have travelers of the Pacific shriveled in fear or shrunken up at the thought of encountering such beasts! At least 1 out of every 5 voyages into the Pacific wont even get off this year! That’s sad, and devastating to the Psyche of the captains of the ships. Sure one could say it happens to a lot of captains, and statistically that’s true, but if all that is in the way of getting off and rising to the sea is a lazer shooting sea monster than I say we kill those monsters dead!”

Groups like PENIS have sprouted up in countries all over the pacific. In New Zealand, local fisher’s group called Drown Ink-spitting Cephalopods KillersĀ  have started buying old soviet era submarines and attacking the creatures. In the United States survivers of lazer squid attacks have formed People Recovering Inside from Cephalopoda Killers, a support group that aims at building a political movement aimed at controlling the lazer squids around those people who have survived such attacks. “We are the only people who know, I mean really know, what it is like to be attacked by a lazer squid” said PRICK member Ronald Buick, “and it is important for us to come together and support one another while we work through the pain and suffering that comes from surviving a lazer squid attack”. Buick was working on a boat that was transporting fake Gucci purses and nacho cheese from Los Angles to Tokyo when he expereienced his attack, “It smelled like hot nacho cheese and burnt leather. I saw good crew members burn to death when they feel into the vats of hot nacho cheese. You ever see someone explode in front of you? I have. That shit doesn’t leave your head.”

Stories like Buick’s have influenced many lawmakers to stand up with groups like PENIS and PRICK, but uncertainty over the environmental impact of eradicating an entire species from the plant has kept many lawmakers from pushing for immediate action. But change is coming in the form of research from university professors around the globe as many scientist are beginning to research what the impact would look like. “Oye-them inky winkys acting all bums-up if you ask me. Aye say, the suooner we all can lick ’em, the sooner we can go back to the gov’n’er’s home and drink the poor sap under tha table-Oye!” Said McCall Dundee, an Australian research scientist from the University of Sydney.

With the giant squids breeding season coming up more attacks in the next couple months are anticipated by the brave travelers of the ink blot, and with lawmakers from around the globe waiting for scientists to discover theĀ  giant lazer squids role in their ecosystem, there is no relief in site.

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One Comment

  1. Chris Rose
    Posted October 27, 2009 at 17:47 | Permalink

    That’s nothing I hear mega sharks are experimenting with plasma weaponry.