US Soccer Gone Fowl

chicken-soccerChicago, IL

With national teams around the world fighting for spots in next years world cup, many coaches are beginning to take drastic measures to ensure success in the qualifying tournaments. In the US,  National teams coach Steve Sampson announced a change to the teams roster that will now include two roosters, affectionately named Talons and Beakers the Soccer Star, who Sampson saw kicking a ball on the side of the road while driving  through Fresno, CA, last weekend.

Though the birds are vastly undersized and unable to either comprehend verbal commands from the coach nor the rules and play of the game of soccer, coach Sampson is optimistic about the addition of the two fowls. “These roosters are made for soccer, case in point the talons. We don’t have to buy ’em shoes or shin guards because nature has already bought them for us. They are completely ready to compete on a competitive level. They’ve been practicing with the rest of the guys for a couple weeks now and the coaching staff thinks really likes the progress they’re making. Especially Beakers the Soccer Star who has really picked up his game defensively”.

But some team members are reluctant of playing with poultry, when asked about the desision nearly the whole team has publicly come forward and questioned Sampson’s reasoning behind the addition of the  two roosters to the squad. Most vocal amongst the dissenters is forward Jozy Altidore, “They cant keep up! There fuckin’ legs are too short, and that shit Sampson is feeding you about “improved defense” is nothing more than Beakers jumping on our backs with his talons and pecking our backs. Its annoying, and it’s sure to get him a red card.” When asked why, with so much dissent from his players, would Sampson push to put the roosters on the team the coach brought out two rooster sized US soccer jerseys and asked the room of reporters just how cute the two birds would look in them.

As cute as the birds will look in those tiny little jerseys the true test of the birds worth will come on the soccer field in international play.

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