Kid Kills Raccoon, Trying to “Catch ’em All”

On Saturday an 11 year old boy, A. Kachum, killed a raccoon with a red and white painted rock, later he claimed that he was trying to expand his collection and “Catch ’em all.”

Kachum had taken his dog on a walk through some thick, tall grass until a raccoon was scared out of hiding. Kachum was reported to have yelled at his dog to “use tail whip” The dog only barked loudly at the raccoon for an extended period of time.

After a couple of minutes of commotion caused by the dog barking and the raccoon hissing back, Kachum was reported to have pulled a large rock painted half red and half white from a bag and throw it as the raccoon. The rock collided with the raccoons head and killed the raccoon instantly. Kachum seemed to wait for something to happen and when nothing did he tried to walk away. The number of bystanders that had accumulated, drawn by the loud commotion called the cops and told the boy to stay put.

Kachum’s parents were called out to take him home, and declined to comment.

PETA released a statement stating that They are boycotting 11 year old boys because they cause such violent harm to animals. In the same press release they announced a plan to remove predators from the planet to protect the happier animals of the world. The press release was soaked in fake blood.

The lead personal trainer at a local gym that Kachum visited regularly, Pewter Gym, stated that Kachum had been coming in and building arm strength by playing games with his dog and an odd variety of other pets including a parrot and a duck. Pewter Gym has a pet policy that allows all pets, to encourage a healthy body and mind, so no one thought that it was odd. “I often come in with my rat to play raquetball. I always win, but we have a good time afterwards anyway,” stated another regular patron, “It seemed odd to meditate with a pet duck and try to ride a pet parrot, but we all thought it was cute.”

The only warning sign seemed to be that Kachum would often ask the other patrons if they wanted to battle their pets. When they respectufully declined he got frustrated and would often go and walk around in a nearby field to relieve his frustration.

The only person who didn’t act surprised and even supported Kachum’s actions was Kachum’s uncle, nearby University professor Sam Oke. Oke had given Kachum’s dog, which first was one of his lab animals, to Kachum when he turned 10. “He was old enough to handle the responsibility of keeping an animal and I wanted to make sure he was safe out in the world,” said Oke.

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