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Georgian Man Sees Image of Pope in Toast

Pope Benedict XVI

Atlanta, GA

Not everyone gets a chance to order God with a side of bacon but early Saturday morning Georgian resident Tallard Bentz discovered a image of Pope Benedict XVI appear on a piece of toast. "I'm not even catholic", said a bewildard Bentz "I mean, I've been to church- Methodist I think? I didn't even see the Pope at first, I was about to put butter on the bread when my son pointed out the image".

Bentz's son, Rink, explained from prison that the toast was a 'sign from God'. Rink is in prison after attempting to burn more than 3,000 dollars worth whole wheat, white, pumpernickel, and sourdough breads upon a 'sacrificial alter' which consisted of a pile of sticks Rink brought to the store and a bottle of Bacardi 151 alcohol. He was wrestled down in the store by three shoppers, who Rink repeatedly told were "going to hell for allowing the devil's breads to tempt the minds of weak shoppers". Explained Rink from prision,  "I know I'm young and jump to conclusions easily but to me, this is God telling humanity that we can even sin during breakfest. His holy light shins on Frans Seven Grain Bread and banishes all other yeast'ed devils to a fiery hell where they may toast for eternity. Seeing this sign it is up to me to make sure the breads of the fallen angle are lifted from this earth!".

Tallard Bentz was unaware of his son's decision to go and take from the earth all evil breads but he stands by Rink's actions, "He saw the fricken Pope, what else was he suppose to do?". When asked to comment on the image head Cardinal Camillo Ruini seemed unimpressed,  "the only wholly bread is the body of Christ, everything else is not unholy-its just bread. Honestly, no one cares about the story of the father, the son, or the holly toast".

Mittens; March 2009-October 2009

Like actor Heath Ledger or actress musician Aaliyah, Mittens the cat died young and immensely talented. Those mourning Mittens death will not only miss the warmth and softness that Mittens gave to her family and friends every other day of her life, but Mittens is leaving the world as one of the most respected and talented back ally howlers in the Garden Home neighborhood of West Portland.

Mittens started howling from her first day out of her mothers womb, catching the eye and the ear of her first howling coach and world famous feline vocal coach Wiskers the cat. "Meow, Meeeeoooowwww" said Wiskers "Meeeeoooowwwww!" And he was right. The youngest cat ever to be invited to preform on the Fanno Creek trail Mittens blew away audiences with a tender and haunting bass that gave a glimpse into the soul of the troubled howler. Mr. Scruffles organizes the Fanno Creek trail howlings and witnessed nearly all of Mittens performances, "Purrrrrrr".

Never knowing how to deal with the world around her, crushed by her genius, Mittens committed suicide on October 4th, 2009, throwing herself under a car backing out of a driveway. In one of her last interviews before her death Mittens was asked about the demons and darkness that she carried with her and how that pain helped to shape the entrancing sounds of her voice, saying "Yaaaoowwwllll!! Yaooowwwwlll!" May that next life treat you better Mittens, your memory will live forever.

Tased in the bu**hole?

Lesson one...you can't trust the system.

Lesson two...stay away from Elijah Wood and Ryan Reynolds. They have tasers.

Lessons learned. Thank you Andy Samberg.

I threw it on the ground!

Politican unable to control metal with mind

Tuesday, September 29

At a press conference in the Regan room of the capital building Representative Spencer Bachus (R-Al) was unable to take control of the steel pipe laying before him and shape the pipe to resemble a bald eagle, something that the Representative claimed on his twitter was a new power he had acquired after months of work with psychokinesis expert Cliff Spoon. Rep. Bachus commented that he was "low on vitamins A and K" and should have "not been up all night working on congressional stuff". When asked to specify "congressional stuff" Bachus declined to comment. For one hour and a half reporters and interested on-lookers watched Bachus stair at the steel pipe laying before him. Such a strain was put on the Representative that several times Bachus would let out a small fart, which he would try to cover with a cough. The fart was reported to be without any order. At one point the pipe did seem to move, but it was pointed out that the Representative had kicked one of the legs of the table the pipe was sitting on.

For months Bachus has been under the study of world renowned expert on psychokinesis Cliff Spoon, spending up to five hours a day with Spoon practicing mental exercises in a small shed on Bachus's property in Alabama. The specifics of those exercises are kept secret, though Bachus claims the exercises are "bad-ass". Spoon has publicly stated that he is not "attempting to make a super-race of god like individuals to enslave the rest of the human race" and that any claims of such manipulation and totalitarianism are "nearly false". When asked afterward why Bachus was unable to preform the eagle bend, Spoon said "There is no steel pipe, that is why Bachus failed because he thought there was a steel pipe. He needed to bend, not the pipe. That is the truth of the matter". When asked if Spoon knew he was more or less ripping off The Matrix Spoon threw explosives on the ground and in a smokey haze disappeared before the smoke cleared.