Happy New Year

we're serious about wishing it on you.

Well dear readers of Cleverpork Central, it is the end of the year. Tomorrow a whole new one lies before us. Some people consider the new year to be like a new start to life and set their resolutions. So in that spirt here are a collection of Cleverpork Central’s New Years Resolutions:

1. Reveal a brand new logo for our site

2. Redesign the site layout (we want to be a little more unique)

3. Keep you in touch with the REAL news

4. loose 20 pounds

We hope to have the site producing a little bit more than it has in the last couple of weeks, but part of our crew was in DC and part is working every day and part was being awesome and part (me) was sitting on their bum.

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Flaws In the Top Movie of 2009

Warning this article contains spoilers. If you have not seen Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus go to your local campy movie store and get a copy. or try to find it some how. It is a true masterpiece. Best if viewed with friends.

As many of you who know some of us here at Cleverpork Central know, our favorite movie of 2009 is probably Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. As many of you also know, we are avid cephalopod supporters and were rooting for the Giant Octopus the whole time.

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Carnegie to Morgan-You Look Like a Seal

Morgan, this is Andrew your friend and coorperate counterpart.

For as long as I have known you, and gracious me it has been for some many years now, you have always had a healthy appitie for good food, good whiskey, and beautiful young women. And for years you have paid for the best chefs, dined in the finist resturanunts, and shinffed at the best whiskeys around-yet for all your money and influence you have never been able to land that hot young bitty you have always longed for.

Until recently I have been totally stumped as to your problem at getting girls. JP and I have never had a problem rustling up some breezies, and even though Vanderbelt is catching for the other team (and I do mean cathching) he still has women throw themselves at him constantly. He has to litterally beat them off with a broom!

But like I said it was until recently that I had been stumped by what was keeping women away from you, but now that I know it I wonder why I never thought of it before. Maybe you know it? Maybe you looked in the mirror one day after reading a National Geographic about elaphent seals and where like “Oh shit, they look like me!” Well if you havent dont that you should take the time to do so becuse that ol’ boy is your problem-you look like an adult male elephant seal.

No, your saying, that’s ridiculous! Im very handsome, and I have a great personality. If your thinking that JP your an idiot, look at the pictures I sent you. Look at the similarities in both phenotype and in personality there are between you and the adult elephant seal. Look at the noses on the two of you-all bulbouse. Your nearly 2/3 nose JP, you’ve had to had notice that. Fucking look at the eyes JP. Both you and the seal display nothing but hostility and an egarness to dominate in your eyes. There is nothing playful, fun, emotional, kind, or really anything in those eyes that a women (or kind hearted sailor man) would find desierable. Your an evil, compeditive, and snide individual JP and Im not sure anyone can ever love you.

But if you want to lose that flower of yours, I suggest changing your personality or something. You have all the money and the power to make you very attractive to anyone, but you look like and act like an adult male elephant seal and even with all the money in the world no one if going to want to hit that.

Cheers,

AC

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Knight at the Musee

the-dark-knight-1This week the louvre announced that it will be displaying The Dark Knight as possibly a permanent installation to the museums already massive collection. The Director of the Musée du Louvre had this to say “We put a lot of thought into it and found the movie to be quite simply a master piece.”

The movie is to be installed right next to the Mona Lisa, where it will be displayed on a large flat screen set into the wall and will loop indefinitely. Along with several choice frame stills to complete the display. Of Course this ruffled some Parisian feathers with the museums choice of hanging it next to the Mona Lisa.

“It is a disgrace to the Mona lisa,” claimed Jacques Yves, a local Parisian “No one will even look at the Mona Lisa, we might as well not even have it!” Though some are quite excited about the museums decision with a lot of chatter across the Internet. La Petite a modern French design and art blogsite had an article praising the museum for its plans to install the work, calling the exhibition “daring and well deserved.”

Many of the films cast and crew plan to attend the opening of the exhibit, which is set for late February. Batman himself, Christian Bale, will be there along with the 1960s Batman, Adam West, who stated he is happy to be finally known for something other then Family Guy. Other Hollywood stars will be in attendance including Ben Stiller, who forced himself onto the guest list claiming that he needs to be there to protect everyone.


edited by: Aaron Thayer

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Trilobite Reports: Evolution Going Great

According to a Trilobite interviewed by the Onion, evolution is going great. The trilobite stated that, “It’s a wonderful time to be alive,” and “Sulfurous gas seems to be bubbling up to the surface pretty good, and several single-cell organisms appear to be mutating at a rather steady pace. Also, just today, I developed the ability to roll into a small protective shell in order to avoid predators.”

This is great, because it means that soon giant reptiles will be roaming the world and before too long little furry mammals will be running around. Soon enough primates will show up and procede to try and destroy the world. All in all, enough excitement for a planetary lifetime!

From The Onion

In all seriousness, this article is great because it presents solid scientific evidence in a nearly accurate manner. I solidly approve of the Onion’s work on this one.

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Missed Connections from History

It is always interesting to look back onto the past and see connections to our present time. Recently at the University of Cairo in Egypt a team of Anthropologists found a tablet in some foothills which allegedly carried a conversation between then Queen of Egypt Cleopatra and Cesar of the Roman Empire Julius. Though the researchers are not certain that the conversation on the tablet is between the famous couple, we hear at Cleverpork Central are to impatient and arrogant to be concerned with the opinions of what can only be a group of Indian Jones worshiping virgins that make up the Anthropology department at the University of Cairo. Grow a pair. Without foresight or real understanding of the nature of the research, enjoy the worlds first missed connection:

[Translated from Stick Figures on a Stone] Me, kindly older man walking through the desert at night in full Roman combat gear. You, stunning beauty sleeping on the foot of the Sphinx. I walked you back to your palace, had an invigorating conversation about sand. I’m an aggressive man who loves challenges and would love to get to know you better, maybe talk more about sand. Shall the Sphinx be the place, next week at midnight? Cheers, JC

[The Responce] KOM, I love that you found me beautiful. I’m found of people who find me fascinating and I would love to meet up and talk more about me and my interests-like sand! If things go well, who knows-maybe Ill will even let you invade my homelands if you know what I’m saying? See you at midnight. Kisses, Cleo

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Our New Molluscan Overlords

Recently, in Indonesia, Australian scientists discovered an octopus using tools. Many people consider Humans to have become a dominant species on the plannet because the early humans developed tools. This can only mean one thing. Octopuses are going to take over the world.

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Eagle Creek Trail


The Cleverpork Central crew sets out

The Cleverpork Central crew sets out

Yesterday, December 14th, Derek, Charlie, Aaron, and I went on a hike on the Eagle Creek trail in the Columbia Gorge. Below you’ll find a collection of photos that we took. It was one of the more dangerous hikes that we have taken, from falling rocks to slippery ice. There are sections where the path is narrow and it is terrifying when it is the middle of summer. They have a cable to hold on to but at the narrowest part the ice went over the cable and was the slickest part of the narrow section. During the same portion of the trail rocks and ice would occasionally fall, hitting the trail with a loud sound. If any of them had hit us we might have been hurt, but none did thanks to expert timing.

All the danger was not without reward though. The frozen waterfalls were beautiful. I hadn’t seen frozen waterfalls before and the entire canyon is lined with smaller waterfalls, all frozen. Punchbowl falls, our end-point, was not frozen but the whole river was lined with Ice. At punchbowl, there was a solid sheet we could go out and stand on while  we took pictures. We were mostly alone out there, though two groups did go past us on our way back, and being alone was wonderful. For a very frequently traveled trail, getting to travel it without passing anyone is always a nice experience.

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Winter Break Headquarters

 

Overview

Well, finals are over for a large portion of the writers of Cleverpork Central. Now it is time for Winter Break. We made it safely back to Portland, and I made sure I took no time before setting up the Cleverpork Central Winter Break Headquarters. Our temporary headquarters are located in My family’s house adjacent to the Wiki Creek Field Station Below you’ll find the description of the various components that make up our Winter Break Headquarters.

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Fist Full of Lies

swedishchef460

Trenton, NJ

Beloved secondary Muppet Swedish Chef announced today that he, and other Muppets, have been lip syncing their performances since the early days of the Muppet show. According to the Chef the Muppets, before they would go and perform, would be entered-via a hole in their back, by another actor who would then control the actions and speech of the Muppet. “Its degrading, and borderline wrong!” Cried a tearful Chef, who, after years of therapy, felt that is was finally time that he come clean about his misgivings and let the fans of the works of Muppets know the truth. “We were puppets! There was nothing real about what we did, it was the actors that made that show what is was. They as much as anyone deserve to have the truth reveled so they can start to get such long overdue credit”.

As the press conference went on, the Chef became more apologetic to his fellow Muppets who he claimed “need to see themselves for who they are” and to “stop trying to be something they are not”. When asked if he felt he was unfairly throwing his co-stars under the bus the Chef admitted his announcement comes from a very selfish place, but “admitting to myself that I was a puppet was the most liberating moment in my life. I see my co-stars regularly and so many of them suffer from the same identity issues that I did for years. Its hard to know who you are when you are controlled by someone else”. The Chef insisted that he thought deeply on how such an announcement would come to affect the careers of Muppets who are currently employed and that any work they had was not there own-it was the actors who controlled them. “Im talking not just about personal freedom, I want Muppets everywhere to start to act on their own accord. To create art that is their own. No, this will effect the lives of Muppets everywhere I know it will. I can only hope that they will see this as a breaking of bondage and not a loss of self”.

The announcement has already pushed many of the Muppets to stray away from public appearance, declining to make statements on the Chef’s allegations. Only a handfull of Muppets, lead by Muppet Union Organizer Beeker, have come out in support of the Chef and are happy to know have a chance to show the world just how creative Muppets can be without someone inside them. “Mmeee me mee meee me, mee meeeem meee. Meee me mee meeee me me meeeem meeeeee”, said the Union leader on his way to a meeting with others politically invested in Muppet affairs, “Mmeeee meme mmmeeee me!”.

 

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