Fist Full of Lies


Trenton, NJ

Beloved secondary Muppet Swedish Chef announced today that he, and other Muppets, have been lip syncing their performances since the early days of the Muppet show. According to the Chef the Muppets, before they would go and perform, would be entered-via a hole in their back, by another actor who would then control the actions and speech of the Muppet. “Its degrading, and borderline wrong!” Cried a tearful Chef, who, after years of therapy, felt that is was finally time that he come clean about his misgivings and let the fans of the works of Muppets know the truth. “We were puppets! There was nothing real about what we did, it was the actors that made that show what is was. They as much as anyone deserve to have the truth reveled so they can start to get such long overdue credit”.

As the press conference went on, the Chef became more apologetic to his fellow Muppets who he claimed “need to see themselves for who they are” and to “stop trying to be something they are not”. When asked if he felt he was unfairly throwing his co-stars under the bus the Chef admitted his announcement comes from a very selfish place, but “admitting to myself that I was a puppet was the most liberating moment in my life. I see my co-stars regularly and so many of them suffer from the same identity issues that I did for years. Its hard to know who you are when you are controlled by someone else”. The Chef insisted that he thought deeply on how such an announcement would come to affect the careers of Muppets who are currently employed and that any work they had was not there own-it was the actors who controlled them. “Im talking not just about personal freedom, I want Muppets everywhere to start to act on their own accord. To create art that is their own. No, this will effect the lives of Muppets everywhere I know it will. I can only hope that they will see this as a breaking of bondage and not a loss of self”.

The announcement has already pushed many of the Muppets to stray away from public appearance, declining to make statements on the Chef’s allegations. Only a handfull of Muppets, lead by Muppet Union Organizer Beeker, have come out in support of the Chef and are happy to know have a chance to show the world just how creative Muppets can be without someone inside them. “Mmeee me mee meee me, mee meeeem meee. Meee me mee meeee me me meeeem meeeeee”, said the Union leader on his way to a meeting with others politically invested in Muppet affairs, “Mmeeee meme mmmeeee me!”.


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Readers, while you are one of my top priorities, I also have other interests. One of those is birds. Recently I started toying with the idea of falconry as a way to keep some of the more amazing birds in the world, the hawks. It turns out that falconry is still a popular activity in the world and Oregon has a decent amount of people active in the field. I’ve looked more and more into it, and while it would cost me a lot of money, I have decided that 5 years after I get a steady job, I’m going to get my falconry license.

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The “Stoked” Epidemic

Normally, when a new article idea hits me, I get super stoked about it. I sit down and think up witty things to say and as soon as I post it I go onto Google Talk and *high-five* my friends. We track stats here at Cleverpork Central, and when I see a new search term that we are on the front page fo google for, I get even more stoked. Just a day or so ago, I was stoked out of my mind about a collection of google search terms that put us on the front page.

Turns out, a recent study shows that I’m not alone. While we here at Cleverpork Central don’t see this as a problem, instead more as a vital part of “livin’ it up,” we do see some of the points that the losers opposing getting stoked make. Therefore remember this dear readers, Get stoked responsibly. Even if you think something is “the bomb” not everyone wants to know about it for an extended period of time.

See the panel discussion below.

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A quick warning about Phantosmia

norosesHas your sense of smell been off lately? Do you find yourself saying things like “I smell roses” when no roses are present? You may be suffering from a rare condition known as Phantosmia, a rare condition in which hallucinates smells. Phantosmia can be caused by head trauma or psychiatric illness, and is not to be confused with Pharosmia, a distortion of smells which are present. You can find out more information about Phantosmia here.


In all seriousness, if you do find yourself smelling things that aren’t there, consult a doctor. Congratulation’s to the Ducks in their win at the Civil war, even though I was rooting for OSU. It’s great to have an Oregon team going to the Rosebowl. The fact that both teams were contenders is a testament to the quality of the football programs in our state. Oh, and to any Duck fans whose sentiments after the game were along the lines of “Beavers Suck Ass” : I didn’t know that winning by four points entitled you to be dick.

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Civil War on Twitter

The most inportant thing to consder when looking at the Civil War is who is Tweeting the most about it. It looks like the Ducks win on Twitter….

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Civil War 2009 Live Blog

Apologies to my readers, At around 17:30 all internet and cellular connections disappeared from my phone. It must have been incredibly over burdened. This continued through the game and now back in my room I am finally able to update. Stay tuned for some videos I took of the end I’ll post those here once they are live.

Rushing The Field

I Love My Ducks Civil War Version

Cleverpork Central is at the Civil War Football Game, supporting the Ducks. Don’t expect frequent updates but I’ll do my best. Until I get too excited.

17:05 band is on the sideline rockin’ it for us. OSU’s team came on the field and everyone booed and fliped them off. It was exciting.

17:09 don’t worry everyone, Puddles is here, we haven’t lost rights
17:10 Ducks on the field! Everyone goes crazy!
17:11 The guy who picks up the kickoff tee is on the field!
17:12 I think in the last 5 min I’ve heard our fight song about 4 times
17:14 the band was playing to us!

17:22 your faithful blogger was inches from being on the jumbo tron.
17:24 guy in a banana suit on jumbotron.
17:28 a girl got really close to unmentionable places while passing me.

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Cleverpork Central 2009 Holiday Gift Guide

So as you all likely know, Christmas and other holidays-which-are-not-as-important-to-their-religions-as-Christmas-is-to-Christianity-but-are-named-so-we-all-feel-like-we-are-accepting are coming up. You may be confused about what to get that special someone for your holiday of choice, but never fear, Cleverpork Central is HERE for YOU. We’ve collected the TRUE best gifts of 2009 here in one convenient place to make your holiday shopping a cinch!

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Black Friday Picture Follow Up!!

On Friday we spent the night people watching around Beaverton, Oregon. Below are a few photos taken by our art director. Read the whole live blog of our night and a collection of concluding comments here!

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Black Friday 2009


Go here for a follow up of photos taken by our very own art director, Steven “Pocket” Uppinghouse.

A bunch of us here at Cleverpork Central are kinda excited about today because it is black friday. We aren’t necessarily pumped to go buy a bunch of cheap stuff, what we are more excited about is watching crazy people and maybe a little bit of messing with people. So stick around here and watch for our live blog of the event!

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ASL Mr. Blue Sky

bluesky thumbnails

Earlier this term I was told I needed to sign a song for my ASL class. I started going through my list of karaoke songs to choose a song I would enjoy, I could really perform, and wouldn’t be boring. I came up with Electric Light Orchestra’s Mr. Blue Sky. However, in class my song didn’t get recorded as I had hoped. I woke up this morning to a beautiful blue sky that remained throughout the day down here in Eugene, and decided I would record myself signing Mr. Blue Sky under a blue sky.

Enjoy the full video after the break!

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